Fantasy football season is fast approaching. So as you mentally prepare your pre-draft rankings I ask that you don’t waste all your energy internally debating the value of Brian Westbrook and how late you could wait to draft a quarterback. For if you spend all your mental free time wrestling with such issues, you may not have enough creativity left to come up with a really good fantasy football team name.
Fortunately for you, I’m the master of great fantasy team names. Some people fool themselves into thinking that a good team name is not that important, but I submit to you that it is actually more important than the players that fill your team’s roster.
I kick ass at fantasy baseball. So much so that this year my “friends” rigged the draft by setting it for a time that worked for them (they mostly live in Asia) but not for me (I was in South Africa at the time). So I got stuck with an auto-draft team that isn’t doing well, which I’ll get to in a moment. For now I’d like to list my fantasy baseball teams and how they fared to give you a sense of both my dominance and my team naming ability:
2004: Aaron Boone Sucks – 1rst
2005: The Macon Whoopie – 3rd
2006: Special Agent Johnny Utah – 1rst
2007: Cobra Kai Dojo – 2nd
2008: Staypuff Marshmallow Men – currently 9th
Clearly I’ve got game, but I’m just as proud of the names I came up with as I am at the fact that I dominate fantasy baseball (except for this year in which they screwed me with an auto-draft). I mean just look at those names; they’re amazing. They’re so amazing that even though my team this year sucks the name is funny and something that I can hang my hat on despite my poor standing. That gets me to fantasy football.
For some reason I have absolutely no luck in fantasy football. Unlike baseball, football works on a head to head system so the team that scores the most points through out the season doesn’t necessarily win. We started fantasy football in 2005 and every year we’ve done it I ended up being the team most scored upon. Which means that even if my team is good I don’t win because God has deemed that who ever plays me will have their best week. You’d think it’s statistically impossible, but I swear to you every single year this has been the case. I’m like the Texas Rangers of fantasy football. But despite these performance problems, my teams have always been well named, which makes me laugh and adds to the REAL reason for fantasy sports; to talk shit with your friends. Plus, fantasy football revolves around a great deal of luck, which I’m living proof of. So the only thing that you can totally control is your team name. This means that even if your luck is crappy, you can at least marvel at your superior creativity if you’ve crafted a great team name (or at least that’s what I tell myself).
Therefore, I am going to list my previous fantasy football team names, then list the ones I was considering for this year’s team, and finally cap it off with the name I chose, after much deliberation, to represent this year’s squad (note that ESPN allows you to accompany your team with a picture from the internet, which can add to the funniness of your name).
2005: The England Hooligans (I was living in England at the time)
2006: Trey’s Jimmy Hats (the abbreviation was XXL)
2007: Keanu Reeves Acting School (however, my team was so bad that half way through I renamed it First Round Bye)
The Dagoba System Jedi
Oedipus and the Mamma’s Boys (stolen from PCU)
Kirk Cameron’s Christian Crusaders (too funny)
Desmond and the Tutus (an actual band)
The Reverse Cowgirls (I love this one [double entendre!!!])
The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers (this was the runner up for 2008 but I reserve the rights to it for future seasons)
2008 WINNER: LINDSAY LOHAN’S LESBIAN LOVER (or eL QUATRO for short)