For those of you who don’t read our newsletter, the Procrastinator, we try to throw in an Onion-like satirical piece or two every week. I was a slacker and didn’t get this one in, but felt like posting it, anyway. Sorry if it’s already a bit dated.
The Dallas Cowboys took an active stance to personify their role as America’s team in their season finale, falling 44-6 to the Philadelphia Eagles. In these uncertain and difficult times, the Cowboy’s poor coaching, horrendous play, and shocking regular season collapse truly personify today’s crappy ass American spirit.
“We take that title seriously, “ Terrell ‘T.O.’ Owens said after the game, alternately weeping and threatening to kick in the face of anyone who came within three feet of him. “No locker room chemistry translates to poor play, we all want the ball and bitch when someone else gets it, there’s loads of racial tension, and the bumbling idiot in charge is puppeted by a crotchety old man who’s always under the knife.”
He added, “We just do what we do, baby. If we’re American’s team, we’ve got to reflect America at her best and her worst. And today, we were certainly at our worst.”
In related news, no reports have been validated on whether the New England Patriots have unofficially become China’s team.
hahahah, Patriots = China’s team.
Love it. Actually the other day I nearly bought Klosterman’s book bc I liked the chapter called, “Steve Nash: The Karl Marx of the NBA”
I really do need to buy one of his books.
Yeah, this is fantastic, haha.
If you’re going to read Klosterman, read “Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs.” It’s definitely his best…
Nice, I was going to ask which one I should start with. I’ve been meaning to read him for a with, ever since Jim told me about him and he did a podcast with Bill Simmons. But at the store I didn’t know which one to of his books to buy so I went with Into Thing Air by Jon Krakauer. I’ve been meaning to read that for about a decade, but once I finish that I’ll hit up Klosterman.
“Steve Nash: The Karl Marx of the NBA” — funniest chapter title in all of literature.